Lifes good

Today I realized that life is not bad for once. I have nothing to complain about and no bad feelings. I had an interview today and I pretty much owned it lol. I am going back to my high school tomorrow to do something i love. I get to spend time with my family this weekend for a bday party and I have an incredible boy that likes me vvery muuch ad gave me a very sweet card for my birthday telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves talking to me and seeing me smile and how much i am influencing his life in a good way. That makes me feel incredible lol. I am keeping that card for the rest of my life. I also have an amazing daughter one with me that makes me smile everyday and makes me feel amazing even when i am having the worst day ever. Also have an amazing mom that is also there in my business evenn when I hate it but i know she is just trying to protect me and doing what is best for me and loves me unconditionally and will be there forever. Just everything is going right now and I love it. I don't have to deal with a stupid baby daddy texting me all the time because he can not control me anymore and no fighting and no drugs and happy about it and the best friends in the entire world. I just wanted to write about even if giving a baby up for adoptin made me feel horrible for the longest time everything is okay now because the people in my life and how I made it.

20

well wow i am officially 20 today this is crazy to think i made it this far... I look back on all the things i have gone through and accomplished and it amazes me. One thing I know is that i have turned into one strong young lady after all the years of messing up then doing right. There is nothing I would change about my life because I know all the things I have been through is what makes me who i am today. I especially would never regret meeting Mias dad because even though we are not talking I am blessed with the most amazing and beautiful daughter I could ever have and she is what keeps me going and that is why she is the name i am getting tattooed on me first because even though she is only 1 1/2 she saved me.. She gave me the chance to start a new life even though I let her down at one point of time looking at her face and knoowing that she is the only one she has to count on made me change my whole perspective of life and thinking wow i am a teenager but I am the one that had sex knowing i could get pregnant and decided to keep her so it's my responsibility to be there for her and grow up and she got that through to me. When I look at her i see my guardian angel in her because she is always there by my side giving me the guidance that I need to become the mother I need to be for her because now i havve to be the mother and the father so I will have to teach her everything and be there for her through all the I hate you mom to the first heart brake to sending her off to college or whatever she decides to to. I just want her to be successful and I kknow that me growig up and being a ro model to her finally will help her do. Just because I have a kid does not mean I can't do what i wanna do in life. I am going to go to college to be a cosmetologist and be successful at it because I want the best for me and my daughter and no offense to my mom but i don't want to live here forever lol. But even though it took 20 years for me to discover all the things I needed to it's never to late to finish what should been a long time ago. i can't wait for the day that my daughter looks at me and tells me I am the best mother in the world and i can tell her al I have been through and hopefully get her to stay away from it at least try. well thats all i have so excited for this year my 20th year on this earth it's gonna be rockin!!

new life

I always wondered where i was gonna end up after i hit rock bottom. Got into gang members, went to jail, got my daughter taken and so on... but now i know new friends, my daughter, my family back and happy with God helping me every step of the way! I look back and think who was that girl and what happened to her to make her be so unhappy.. and the answer is nothing she was just stupid and got to caught up in the wrong things. Most people that know me knows what i am talking about but those who dont can take a wild guess and probably be right. I am so happy that i have over come getting my daughter back and having good friends because of treatment and high school friends that I got back after they could trust me again and the fact that I can live in my parents house again knowing that once i get a job and stable that I can move out and know i am not going to screw up again. Mostly i am happy because i am over a year sober and that took a lot of hard work cause only God knows I have been wanting to pickk up a drink or go buy something but I have the power and strength to contain myself from it and really i dont want it cause now I know is it worth getting my daughter taken from me.. NO its not so why do it?? My birthday is in a few days and i am extremely excited for what ts gonna bring me I have so many goals that i want to accomplish and I know i will be able to. i went to the movies yesterday with a special friend and his mother and her boyfriend and it was really awesome I never wanted to go see the hunger games but it was actually really good! It was also nice to escape fro life and just have some ME time for once. I really have not gotten that since I gave Zoey up for adoption really i have not gotten out the house so it was really good for me to go hang out and have a good time even if it was only a movie lol. well i am tired so i am gonna go to sleep goodnight and God bless!! I can actually say i am enjoying life for once!

long road ahead

Today was very bumpy i woke up in a good mood and happy but then all of a sudden i just felt really crappy when i went to the store with my mom. I tried to listen to music cause that usually calms me down but i don't know what was wrong with me. I just felt like i could have crawled in this little black hol4e and stay there for hours and never come out. My mind has just been wondering i even forgot to have my snacks and my second body by vi shake for the day.. I guess i have just been really bothered that Zoey is in Cali now and I am officially legally not her parent it just hit me. I mean i know i am her mom but signing those papers the day after she was born i gave up the definition of a mother to Becky. She is the kindest most caring woman in the world and I am glad i got to give that to her, but I just feel down inn the dumps today confused. i guess what really just plays on in my head is the fact that Mia's dad said Mia is gonna hate m when sh finds out I gave her baby sister up for adoption when she is older.. I mean is that really gonna happen. I would think she would under stand and it's not like she is not gonna be involved in her life at all. I am sure I am gonna see Zoey again, well let me re phrase that I know I am gonna see Zoey again so I did not give her away and said goodbye I did what was best for her ad for me and for Mia. I had an interview at Walgreen's today and that got my mind off of Zoey for a little while. I am just praying that one of the two positons that is open will be given to me cause I need a job so bad. I am so tired of being stuck in the house wrapped up in my own feelings alone during the day. I mean i have Mia to deal with but two days outta the week she goes to daycare. I try to go on walks but still I need to be around people and I mean I go to treatment on Mondays but that's it.... I really wish I could go more often but I don't at the same time just at the fact that I would be around people and not stuck at the house to just stare at a t.v. or be on a face book for long periods of time. Tonight was really good though cause i got to talk to a special someone who has been there for me through thick and thin and I care about a lot because he has been there since I found out I was pregnant and cares about me so much. he calls me everyday even if he doesn't have to. It's really sweet actually but it made my night alot better to where I know i can get a good nights rest without getting up randomly all hours of the night and tossing and turning, but I don't have much else to say and I am getting really tired so I am gonna go to sleep but I hope all is better tomorrow and I really hope its not raining tomorrow cause I wanna be outside tomorrow!!! well goodnight and God bless!!

I always wonder if everything i do is for the best. I mean don't get me wrong giving Zoey u for adoption was the best for her and me but I mean it was just so hard. Every day I go on feeling alright but every night is the hardest for me and I don't  know why. I feel so happy during the day but when I am alone in my room and everyone is sleeping all I can do is think of what she is doing and all I do is cry.. Sometimes I bring Mia into bed with me to have someone there beside me but is this feeling ever gonna go away. I know i am probably suffering the post pardon depression from having the baby or whatever it's called but will it go away after that is over? Caus i am really sick of feeling this way..... I can't listen to some songs without crying cause it reminds me of her and I can't even sleep well at night sometimes cause i swear I hear a faint baby cry and I wake up and it is just a dream.. I am just so exhausted from these long nights of thinking and crying. I really hope that my dad is right that this feeling will go away because I want to be able to rest at night and know that everything is okay even though I know she is in good hands, thats why I don't get why I feel like this. I mean is it normal. I just wish I had someone to talk to that has gone through the same thing to tell me that this numb feeling and worrying and sadness will go away. Cause i need someone to tell me everything is gonna be alright cause right noow i don't feel alright. Recently i have had the most amazing person to talk to m everyday and tell me they care about me and have for awhile and checks up on me everyday just to make sure i'm okay and it feels good to have that person in my life because I can't lie to this person and say i'm okay when really i'm not. It's nice to have that person to know I am hurting and try to make me feel better. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not but they understand when it doesn't and still tells me that I will be okay just give it time. Day by day is how they tell me to take it but really it's minute by minute for me cause I am still numb and i am still sad and tired and lonely but i know i am strong in the end i mean i have conquered staying sober one year and 10 days I can do anything right? I sure hope so. Well i am gonna try and get some rest and I will hopefully have something brighter to say the net time i write on here just tonight not so much..

God bless you all and goodnight!! <3

 

 

busy in the head

well today was very productive i dropped off mia at day care with my mom and anneshia for a few hours to go work out. i didn't feel like i was gonna die this time except when i was on the ellipticals for 20 minutes lol. Then i went home took a shower and went to go pick Mia back up cause the bigger kids had planned to go watch a movie at the palace. She immediately came home and took a nap. I decided to stay up and watch the stupidest show on earth Jerry Springer lol when i should have taken a nap with her. I went to go get my massage today at 6pm and it was amazing my head was so full of thoughts the whole time though and usually during massages like the one i got your mind is supposed to be clear and relax, even though the massage felt really good i still could not clear my mind. i was walking home and saw this guy in a cape walking down the street talking to himself. it was so incredibly weird you have no idea. My mind has not totally cleared upp yet but really I have no idea what i am thinking about is the weird thing..?? it just feels like a million things are spinning around in my brain and I can't control it. It's really giving me a head ache but hopefully it will go away when i lay down to go to sleep. It's gonna be weird not having my mom around all weekend long because she is going to Kansas City with the Body by vi people to this big organization and I wish I could have gone but i know I have duties to take care of at home (Mia). my birthday is coming up very soon and I wish I could do something like go to a place to dance or something with friends cause I miss that kind of stuff. I mean obviously I won't drink cause ill be only 20 (like that stopped me back then) but I don't like drinking anymore. I just wanna go out and have fun ad celebrate officially not being a teenager anymore so maybe I can come up with something to do with some people to get out and enjoy still being young cause i deserve it. I think every mother deserves to get out every once in a while to have fun. Anyways tomorrow is just gonna be a laid back day with Mia since mom is leaving at noon maybe if the weather is nice we will go on a walk or something so that i am totally not lazy because I hate being cooped up in the house forever it makes me think to much and plus I am trying to loose this weight. well i am gonna go to sleep I know this blog wasn't to exciting but noot everyones life is as a teen mother with no car and no job lol.

Love yall and God bless you tonight and get some sleep...zzzzzz........ :) <3

finding myself

You know what i always wondered why i was brought on this earth. God had a purpose for every one of us right? and also why is it so hard to find yourself or are we ever meant to know the true purpose of why? I know it took me a long time to really find out the answers to all these questions. It took me trying to be a scene girl to a wanna be gangster to now just me.. If you are asking what is me I will tell you in simple words. A 19 yr old strong mother who has conquered 1 year and 8 days sober, a teen that had to grow up way to fast and a woman with many dreams that will become a reality someday. God put me on this earth to make all the mistakes I have mad to become this person that I am today and it may sound stupid but i am happy that i mad it through all of it cause i know some the things I have done or witnessed I could not be here right now I could be in jail or worse but God gave me so many chances and guided me through the bumpy path and finally I took the right one for a change. I know that someday i will look back on everything and laugh at how stupid I was i mean I already do but now I know that only good can come out of everything I do now. I kn0ow also that any bumps that come in my way I will know i can tare them down and walk strong. All that i have already accomplished in the last year is going to look so small of what i am going to do in the rest of my life and I know it. Some people might think I am thinking to positive but is that a bad thing? Really? NO i don't think so cause that's a big change for me I never thought I would be were I am now. Sure I don't have a car and my own place and the finest clothes or phone but that's not what i am so happy about and that's not what should be important. What is important and what I am so excited about is my family, God, my friends and the fact that i am still alive and healthy. That is what should be important and that's what make me. I just thought I would share that cause it''s been something I been thinking about for a long time and I finally knew  how to put it in to words! 

Goodnight and God bless you all!!