long road ahead

Today was very bumpy i woke up in a good mood and happy but then all of a sudden i just felt really crappy when i went to the store with my mom. I tried to listen to music cause that usually calms me down but i don't know what was wrong with me. I just felt like i could have crawled in this little black hol4e and stay there for hours and never come out. My mind has just been wondering i even forgot to have my snacks and my second body by vi shake for the day.. I guess i have just been really bothered that Zoey is in Cali now and I am officially legally not her parent it just hit me. I mean i know i am her mom but signing those papers the day after she was born i gave up the definition of a mother to Becky. She is the kindest most caring woman in the world and I am glad i got to give that to her, but I just feel down inn the dumps today confused. i guess what really just plays on in my head is the fact that Mia's dad said Mia is gonna hate m when sh finds out I gave her baby sister up for adoption when she is older.. I mean is that really gonna happen. I would think she would under stand and it's not like she is not gonna be involved in her life at all. I am sure I am gonna see Zoey again, well let me re phrase that I know I am gonna see Zoey again so I did not give her away and said goodbye I did what was best for her ad for me and for Mia. I had an interview at Walgreen's today and that got my mind off of Zoey for a little while. I am just praying that one of the two positons that is open will be given to me cause I need a job so bad. I am so tired of being stuck in the house wrapped up in my own feelings alone during the day. I mean i have Mia to deal with but two days outta the week she goes to daycare. I try to go on walks but still I need to be around people and I mean I go to treatment on Mondays but that's it.... I really wish I could go more often but I don't at the same time just at the fact that I would be around people and not stuck at the house to just stare at a t.v. or be on a face book for long periods of time. Tonight was really good though cause i got to talk to a special someone who has been there for me through thick and thin and I care about a lot because he has been there since I found out I was pregnant and cares about me so much. he calls me everyday even if he doesn't have to. It's really sweet actually but it made my night alot better to where I know i can get a good nights rest without getting up randomly all hours of the night and tossing and turning, but I don't have much else to say and I am getting really tired so I am gonna go to sleep but I hope all is better tomorrow and I really hope its not raining tomorrow cause I wanna be outside tomorrow!!! well goodnight and God bless!!

I always wonder if everything i do is for the best. I mean don't get me wrong giving Zoey u for adoption was the best for her and me but I mean it was just so hard. Every day I go on feeling alright but every night is the hardest for me and I don't  know why. I feel so happy during the day but when I am alone in my room and everyone is sleeping all I can do is think of what she is doing and all I do is cry.. Sometimes I bring Mia into bed with me to have someone there beside me but is this feeling ever gonna go away. I know i am probably suffering the post pardon depression from having the baby or whatever it's called but will it go away after that is over? Caus i am really sick of feeling this way..... I can't listen to some songs without crying cause it reminds me of her and I can't even sleep well at night sometimes cause i swear I hear a faint baby cry and I wake up and it is just a dream.. I am just so exhausted from these long nights of thinking and crying. I really hope that my dad is right that this feeling will go away because I want to be able to rest at night and know that everything is okay even though I know she is in good hands, thats why I don't get why I feel like this. I mean is it normal. I just wish I had someone to talk to that has gone through the same thing to tell me that this numb feeling and worrying and sadness will go away. Cause i need someone to tell me everything is gonna be alright cause right noow i don't feel alright. Recently i have had the most amazing person to talk to m everyday and tell me they care about me and have for awhile and checks up on me everyday just to make sure i'm okay and it feels good to have that person in my life because I can't lie to this person and say i'm okay when really i'm not. It's nice to have that person to know I am hurting and try to make me feel better. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not but they understand when it doesn't and still tells me that I will be okay just give it time. Day by day is how they tell me to take it but really it's minute by minute for me cause I am still numb and i am still sad and tired and lonely but i know i am strong in the end i mean i have conquered staying sober one year and 10 days I can do anything right? I sure hope so. Well i am gonna try and get some rest and I will hopefully have something brighter to say the net time i write on here just tonight not so much..

God bless you all and goodnight!! <3

 

 

busy in the head

well today was very productive i dropped off mia at day care with my mom and anneshia for a few hours to go work out. i didn't feel like i was gonna die this time except when i was on the ellipticals for 20 minutes lol. Then i went home took a shower and went to go pick Mia back up cause the bigger kids had planned to go watch a movie at the palace. She immediately came home and took a nap. I decided to stay up and watch the stupidest show on earth Jerry Springer lol when i should have taken a nap with her. I went to go get my massage today at 6pm and it was amazing my head was so full of thoughts the whole time though and usually during massages like the one i got your mind is supposed to be clear and relax, even though the massage felt really good i still could not clear my mind. i was walking home and saw this guy in a cape walking down the street talking to himself. it was so incredibly weird you have no idea. My mind has not totally cleared upp yet but really I have no idea what i am thinking about is the weird thing..?? it just feels like a million things are spinning around in my brain and I can't control it. It's really giving me a head ache but hopefully it will go away when i lay down to go to sleep. It's gonna be weird not having my mom around all weekend long because she is going to Kansas City with the Body by vi people to this big organization and I wish I could have gone but i know I have duties to take care of at home (Mia). my birthday is coming up very soon and I wish I could do something like go to a place to dance or something with friends cause I miss that kind of stuff. I mean obviously I won't drink cause ill be only 20 (like that stopped me back then) but I don't like drinking anymore. I just wanna go out and have fun ad celebrate officially not being a teenager anymore so maybe I can come up with something to do with some people to get out and enjoy still being young cause i deserve it. I think every mother deserves to get out every once in a while to have fun. Anyways tomorrow is just gonna be a laid back day with Mia since mom is leaving at noon maybe if the weather is nice we will go on a walk or something so that i am totally not lazy because I hate being cooped up in the house forever it makes me think to much and plus I am trying to loose this weight. well i am gonna go to sleep I know this blog wasn't to exciting but noot everyones life is as a teen mother with no car and no job lol.

Love yall and God bless you tonight and get some sleep...zzzzzz........ :) <3

finding myself

You know what i always wondered why i was brought on this earth. God had a purpose for every one of us right? and also why is it so hard to find yourself or are we ever meant to know the true purpose of why? I know it took me a long time to really find out the answers to all these questions. It took me trying to be a scene girl to a wanna be gangster to now just me.. If you are asking what is me I will tell you in simple words. A 19 yr old strong mother who has conquered 1 year and 8 days sober, a teen that had to grow up way to fast and a woman with many dreams that will become a reality someday. God put me on this earth to make all the mistakes I have mad to become this person that I am today and it may sound stupid but i am happy that i mad it through all of it cause i know some the things I have done or witnessed I could not be here right now I could be in jail or worse but God gave me so many chances and guided me through the bumpy path and finally I took the right one for a change. I know that someday i will look back on everything and laugh at how stupid I was i mean I already do but now I know that only good can come out of everything I do now. I kn0ow also that any bumps that come in my way I will know i can tare them down and walk strong. All that i have already accomplished in the last year is going to look so small of what i am going to do in the rest of my life and I know it. Some people might think I am thinking to positive but is that a bad thing? Really? NO i don't think so cause that's a big change for me I never thought I would be were I am now. Sure I don't have a car and my own place and the finest clothes or phone but that's not what i am so happy about and that's not what should be important. What is important and what I am so excited about is my family, God, my friends and the fact that i am still alive and healthy. That is what should be important and that's what make me. I just thought I would share that cause it''s been something I been thinking about for a long time and I finally knew  how to put it in to words! 

Goodnight and God bless you all!!

bad to great

Well today started out kinda bumpy with a big disagreement with someone over txt message and they had the balls to say "your not a great mom if you gave Mia's little sister up." All i coould do was cry because one i was shocked and two i was mad beyond belief cause who in their right mind knows how she is gonna feel when i tell Mia one day and it's not like she is never gonna see her again it was an OPEN adoption foro that very reason and two it's none of anyones business on why i decided to make the "right" and hard decision to give up my kid in the first place. I man for people that know me know that me and Zoeys dad are in no contact and i do not want that for her. Also i do not have a job right now i am living off my income tax and what i have left over from my job before it closed business. Babies are not cheap and i wold want to give the best for her and the best was to find someone that is not struggling as hard as i am till i find a job to raise hr like their own and give her all her heart desires and that's what she iis gonna get. I am only 19 yrs old i know i could raise two kids if i wanted to, but i know emotionally i would be so depressed becaus i would have no time to do what i want to do in life and I can still do that with Mia. I am able to go out with friends every once in a great while and I am able to have a couple days ooff a week to just do things for myself like go eat or go get my nails done or soon i am going to go get a massage that i goot as a gift. I just feel like adoption was the right choice for me to go to college and get a career and give Mia and I a better life so I can tell Zoey one day i never stopped loving you and I will always be your mommy but i couldn't take care oof you at that time and that's why God blessed you with parents that love you as much as i do! Aftr all that went down i got to talk to one amazing guy friend that i have known for almost a year now from treatment and he understands me alot and he always knows when something is not right with me and he fixes it. He is the only one i know that will make me sit down and talk about stuff even if i refuse but finally i give in. He makes me feel important and he cares about me a lot caus he has known me long enough. I thank God every day for bringing him in my life cause i don't know what i would do with out him. Tonight my mom had her Body By Vi party and it was great information and i got to drink pretty yummy shake samples lol. well i am getting tired i stayed up to put away laundry and decided too write on here cause i missed yesterday well goodnight and God bless you!!!

p..s. i am a year and a week sober and pretty dang happy about it!!!

what a glorious day!

Got comfort from knowing the adoptive parents were doing great yesterday. it made me really happy that she is not giving them a hard time. Today since mia went to a friends house last night i got to sleep in till 11 am. I needed that after taking two pain pills last night because my pelvic bone is severely bruised from the labor!! but then i got to learn how to make my body by vi shakes because i am starting my 90 day challenge tomorrow and pretty excited about it. When mia cam home i was soo happy i miss her so much even if she is gone for 2 minutes lol. It was nice to take a nap with her from 1 to 430 today also. i love being close to her and sleeping with her it makes me feel safe :) tonight i watched the KU game with my stepp dad and mom and i usually don't watch sports except soccer but that game was really good now we are going to the sweet sixteen. I'm kind of sad that treatment told me to take a week off cause i love going but i will get to stay home with my lovely daughter tomorrow night and i mean it's only a week it won't kill me even though they are having a party wll i am gone tomorrow :(... well tomorrow my plan is to go work out with my mom and to clean house for the body by vi party on Tuesday which i am pretty pumped that i get to be at one those parties finally!! oh and this might seem odd to people but i was happy that today i finally have ankles they are not completely swollen anymore, it might sound like a stupid thing to be excited about but it made me happy and i think my milk is almost gone cause my breasts feel so much better today than the last couple days so its good to know that i am recovering pretty fast. Now i wish that i didn't have a cycle for the next few weeks i wish it could go away as fast as the other stuff but oh well. I guess i should probably go to sleep now or else i will be exhausted tomorrow and grumpy and we don't want that. emotionally i am doing much better thanks to all the supportive and caring people but that won't stop me from writing on my blog everyday. thank you to who all read this hopefully i can impact one person but i will put that in God's hands! goodnight and God bless you all

well today was quite a day woke up at around 8:30 to my almost 2 year old daughter poking my eye saying sleep ma sleep ma lol. finally got outta bed and upstairs at 9 and immediately put mia in the high chair and gave her juice and a rice krispy treat. I looked at my mom and said hey there is cereal in it lol. after that i got mia dressed and i threw clothes around finding some jeans that i could not breath in to put on and went to JC penny's with my mom and my neice anneshia. I got some pretty cute outfits for mia. I was so close to getting me these adorable purple pumas that would have been great for running because unfortunately bella my yellow lab golden retriever mi decided to put a small hole in my nce addidas that my dad got for my birthday last year.. :( maybe i can get someone to get me those pumas for my birthday because they were also $55 dollars and i am a cheapo!! well after that we took the girls to mc donalds and got then chicken nuggets of course and i got my fatty #2 large size which is two hamburgers and a large fry lol mia ate all her nuggets of course and went down for a nap. at that point of time is when i relax and take a bath to soak my soreness down there from Zoey and take a shower and get ready for church. i have no idea how mia sleeps through it cause there i am singing in the bathtub and shower and probably being loud as ever but she sleeps like a rock! after that my mom and i and anneshia and mia of course get into the car and go to church. I of course have to get my coffee and chocolate muffin at church. The service was really good but the cover song made me tear up it was strong enough by stacie orrico an amazing song and the lyrics are about how strong girl is because of God and what he has done for her and thank you fr letting me start again and giving me the chance over and over to be a better person because he is so loving. the song brought tears to mmy eyes cause i feel like that song has to do with all the struggles i have gone through making the wrong decisions and getting my daughter taken then getting her back 9 months later than giving Zoey to a good family and God giving me the love and strength to start over again and help me to be strong enough to handle any situation and hard ball that might be thrown at me because he is amazing i mean he is God! after church i picked mia up from the nursery and i love her smiling face when she sees me come around the corner and she is standing right at the door waiting for me even though i got distracted by the huge booger that was hanging out her nose ewwwww!!! but that was alright i still love her. we all packeed up in the car and went to fazolis for diner with the chadwicks, the most amazing second family i could ever ask for. Mia got picked up my ashley davis from there because the davis love mia so much i gave in and let them keep her for the night. We spent from 7- 9 just sitting there talking with the chadwicks at fazolis and it was grand i needed it so much cause they are people i can talk to about anything but then i came home watched khloe and lamar and now i am sitting here writing probably boring most of you but i just want to say that just getting out has helped my baby blues be distracted for a while i mean i kinda sat down at church and staring into space thinking about what zoey might be doing but i came back into reality and just thinking positive and staying busy really helps i filled out a couple job apps today and ill start doing that more often cause i love working! but i probably should go to bed so i can hopefully get up and clean before mia gets here at 11 am we will see if that happens lol well goodnight and God bless all of you that read my blog every day i hope maybe i can impact soe young moms to get out there and be strong and happy without a man but with God and love!!
!day by day!
loving one daughter close everyday and another from a far everyday!

today was a better day i got up actually at 11am instead of sleeping all day and went to get my hair dyed. the only bad thing was my milk came in today so i have been in pain all day with that situation. I was hesitating on going to wal mart to get my hair dyed but after 3 1/2 hours it turned out amazing!! when mia got home from day care Tim (my step dad) and anneshia and mia and I went to on the border to eat and it was delicious!! even though mia drank 2 ups of strawberry lemonade and soaked through her pants by the end o the meal because of sitting down her diaper was not even that wet!! lol well i listened to the glee version of i will always love you the day before being induced with zoey and i knew fromm that point that song would be dedicated to her because in the song it quotes " i hope life treats you kind and i hope you have all you dreamed of and i wish you joy and happiness but above all things i wish you love!" and thats what i feel for her so that song lifts me up to think of how much love she is getting from so many people and how so many people especially me hope the best for her always and forever. I can't wait to go to church tomorrow and listen to Mark's series and also coming up baby dedication in the next few months because i can dedicate mia to the church and i always thought i was not going to be able to do that. Also i can not wait for my best friend adam to come into town around easter so i can see him cause he always knows how to cheer me up like a best friend is supposed to do and also to start my body by vi challenge on monday! its going to be difficult not to eat the taco bell and fatty foods but i will look much better and feel so much better. Hopefully soon i can get signed up at the Y so i can start working out with my mom but those are things on my list to do. I am really excited though that my mom was nice enough to have a body by vi party at the house onn tuesday so that i can be included! it will be much fun! but i need to get some slep for JC pennys and other things tomorrow so i will post more tomorrow. God bless and much love to all my friends and family being there for me its a hard process but i know i will be okay in the end because i have a daughter that lifts me up everyday and a loving mom and dad that checks on me everyday and listens to me and a second mom and dad (Mark and Kristin) that are amazing to me and have been there through thick and thin through fighting and crying and everything. I really hope that Becky and Justin are doing well i might tet her tomorrow cause i know she is probably thinking how i am doing cause the  last time she saw me i was handing over zoey crying in her arms but its okay cause at least she knew that i wasnt heartless well goodnight all and God bless!

!Taking it day by day!

day by day

Today was a lot better than yesterday was.. I got a picture from mmy dad of Zoey and i cried a little bit but i know she is in a good place today out of the hospital and home with her adopted mommy and daddy and big brother and its really comforting to me. I had mia all day today and even though it was hard to chase her around i missed her sooo much!!! i think what keeps me going well i know is Mia and the fact that she is home and safe and have so many people that love her dearly. I got told by my other that this was not a goodbye to Zoey it was an extension to our family and that is so true and amazing! i know everyday will get better and one day i will fid some one that i will want to extend my family with but first i need to get a job again and go to school for Mia to have a great life to know i am finacially stable will be great and comforting. Also i got my body by vi stuff today and really i am excited to start it and loose this weight like my mother is doing. well don't have much to say but i am so greatful that i have so many people in my life that are there and 2 amazing wonderful daughter one that i will love from a far and another that will keep me going even though she drives me crazy sometimes lol. well i am going to bed but hoping that i can clean my room up and bathroom and find out how much it will be to get my hair dyed how i want it for not a million dollars lol.

much love :)

the last couple days..

This is my first post. I decided to start this blog to help me get my feelings out about my life and my feelings emotionally. I am a 19 yr old girl with a almost two year old, yesterday i gave birth to the most amazing blessing Zoey. I decided when i found out when i found out i was pregnant to give her up for adoption and i was strong enough to go through with it. It's the hardest thing i ever had to do and going home from the hospital without a child after that experience i think just hit me the most. I know this is not the last time will ever see her but at least to know she is with someone i know and that will love her almost as much as i do and was able to give her a better life is comforting. I'm not saying it will be easy but it will be a blessing to know she is gonna grow up in a loving home with two parents and a big brother that will protect her and teach her right from wrong. I am proud to say that i did not know i was strong enough to ever make that decision and appreciate everyone that is gonna continue to be there for me through this process and through every bump that life will throw at me in the future. Goodnight everyone and God bless you all!